The film begins with ... well... nothing, really. People keep running around yelling, "He's coming! He's coming!" and making a big fuss, but no one knows what "he" looks like. When pressed for details, the people who were shouting loudest suddenly clam up. "You should have been listening the first time," they say.
Apparently the mastermind of this sinister non-plot is a bizarre android from the planet Tri-Star. Though he bears an uncanny resemblance to everyone's least-favorite Godzilla co-star, Jet Jaguar, in fact he is called "Dean Devil". His only special weapons are celluloid bombs he pulls out of his ass.
Suddenly, the fabled monster appears! But what is this? People are calling him "Godzilla". He sounds like Godzilla, yes; and scientists find the mysterious words "© Toho Co., Ltd." embossed in one massive footprint... but he looks like a Big Freakin' Iguana. No, no: this is unfair. He actually looks like a Computer-Generated Man in a Rubber Suit. And Dean Devil keeps telling everyone it is Godzilla, it is Godzilla!
Would you buy a used lizard
from this robot?
It seems that on the planet Tri-Star, if you say anything is true for a long time, people begin to believe it. So if you insisted, for example, that "Sonny Bono was a talented entertainer and a gifted statesman, and his untimely death was a tragic loss," people on the planet Tri-Star would actually believe it.
However, Dean Devil has underestimated the sheer pig-headedness of Earth's many Godzilla fans. These are people who have actually managed to sit through all of "Godzilla vs. Gigan". These are people who keep letterboxed copies of "Godzilla vs. Megalon" -- in Japanese with no subtitles -- on top of their VCRs. These are people who are convinced that "Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah" makes sense. These, in short, are people whose entire pathetic little lives revolve around the Big Guy (before you send me hate mail, remember: I'm one of 'em!).
In a bizarre side-story, the ghost of Takashi Shimura appears to Matthew Broderick, and just looks at him with those infinitely sad eyes of his, until Broderick runs screaming and promises never to appear in a major motion picture again. The voices of true Godzilla fans, in all their misguided, stubborn, reactionary glory, call out for the real Mr. G to come settle the Pretender's hash.
So Godzilla is forced out of retirement, to confront the challenge to his name and reputation!