Instead of a regular long-winded review,
we thought we'd give our readers...
Ballad of the Aztec Mummy
(Tune: One Headlight, by the Wallflowers)
Until The Robot Meets the Aztec Mummy,
I never thought a film could be so crummy.
But the film is so cheesy that my sensibilities
run flaming through the cemetery trees.1
You know, the plot was second-hand when the Aztecs ruled the land,
And just to make it worse, it's told in flashback.
And it always seemed such a waste, so poorly shot and badly paced,
I'm going to the store to get my cash back.
REFRAIN: The Robot's really nutty:
Someone half as clever
Could have made something better with Silly Putty;
Took some cardboard boxes,
And stapled them together.
What's that on his dome? It's
One Head Light…
This movie sucks: it's worse than Independence Day,
But I can't look away from this disaster.
See, there's a mummy called Popoca, and he lives la vida loca
In a pyramid that's made of wood and plaster.
But there's this villain, called "The Bat", and he's crazy and he's fat…
He laughs a lot, and wears a hip goatee.
He's built an artificial man from some boxes and a can
To find some treasure (which we never see)…
The mummy's old: he looks just like a beat-up schmuck.
I'd turn the channel, but the channel doesn't turn.
With all these cheap sets and cheap FX this movie's really such a wreck
Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn.
At last, la momia outfoxes Mr. Pile-o-Cardboard-Boxes,
And it's done, though the ending's really lame.
And when I check how long it's been, it's only sixty-something minutes,
And I think: This movie must be killing me.
Watch This Movie Online!
Back to the Other Hell, First Circle
Back to the Other Hell, Second Circle
1. If I ever acquire the ability to make video captures, I'll explain this little reference. It helps to know both the originals.